When it comes to building a bridge of intimacy in your marriage, is your own pillar of security a solid one?  Without any pressure or non-verbal threats, if you were to ask your spouse how secure they felt in your relationship - what would they answer?

On a "1" to "10" scale, how secure do you feel in your relationship?  Is your security level where it needs to be?  Does your spouse share the same perspective as you?

1         2         3         4          5          6          7          8          9          10

             Little Security                                                                               Great Security

Have you ever asked your spouse what it would take over the next six weeks to move a lower score up to a higher one?  Or to keep a high one near the top?

A bridge between husband and wife can't stand up to the raging waters of trials if the pillar of security is made out of sand-stone words.  Intimate marriages are those who carve out the words in granite, "I'm committed to you - no matter what."

2. A husband and wife need to establish a routine pattern of meaningful communication.

This second non-negotiable of an intimate relationship occurs when we talk deeply with another person on a regular basis.  Times of sharing our feelings, hopes, dreams and fears.  Not just the "weather report" comments like, "How's it going?" "How was the traffic today going to work?" or other safe questions that never rise high enough to reach meaningful communication.  But an everyday effort to add the water of well-spoken words to keep a relationship strong and healthy.

As you'll see, it's often not enough to simply talk more.  For many couples, they've already spent years speaking thousands of words to each other - but still never meaningfully communicating.

A way of talking can make a tremendous difference in the power our words can carry.  Security is one element of an intimate relationship that can't be left out if growth is to take place.  Meaningful communication is a second.  And a third is equally as important….

3. Couples need to create emotional/romantic bonding times.

Keeping the flames of romance alive in a relationship may not seem as important as security or meaningful communication - but it is.  Consistently providing positive times of emotional bonding can add a tremendous stabilizing factor to a home.

This doesn't mean that a couple has to spend each weekend night talking over a candlelight dinner.  (In many homes, the kids would have blown out, squirted out or eaten the candles long before the meal was finished!)  But it does mean that they never lose sight of the importance of romance in their marital well-being.

A marriage can't be sustained with romance alone.  But added to security, meaningful communication and a fourth essential ingredient - meaningful touch - it can be a tremendous source of energy and growth. 

4. A relationship needs consistent, meaningful, non-sexual and sexual touch.

While the sexual needs of a man and woman are certainly very important, the differences between men and women in this area are striking.  In some ways, a man is like a microwave when it comes to the sexual area.  He's ready for the sexual union in a matter of moments.  But for the average woman, her response to him is more like a crock-pot.  It takes her much longer - in some cases hours or even days of being treated like a valuable person - to emotionally desire to share physical intimacy with her husband.

Many men don't realize it, but over 80% of a woman's need for meaningful touch is non-sexual.  Sex doesn't begin in the bedroom.  It actually begins in the everyday acts of truthfulness, consistency, kindness, touching and talking that build a growing desire in a woman. 

UCLA did a study on women's health and came up with this finding.  The average woman needs from 8 to 10 meaningful touches from a loved one each day to remain physically and emotionally healthy.  Not only that, but they also found that some "driven" type A men could add up to two years to their life if they would slow down at the beginning and the end of the day and give their wives a long, gentle hug when they came in the door. 

Touching someone lowers blood pressure and literally energizes a person who is down or hurting.  Wise husbands and wives will take time to practice small acts of touching.

For more information or help, please call:

MASTERPEACE Center for Counseling and Development

308 S. Maumee Street, Tecumseh, MI  49286 · 517-423-6889 · www.mpccd.com